This is a lovely title for a post, don’t you think? I wrote this pattern ages ago and posted it on Chicks & Dicks, but never posted it here because I kept meaning to update the pattern.

Yeah. Not gonna happen. I’ve accepted that now, and I’m making it available now for y’all. First, you may download it as a PDF by clicking Crochet Penis and Scrotum Pattern, or you can refer to it online, pasted in at the bottom of this here post.

But first, let me tell you the reason I’m posting this now. After the success of the Cockwalk at GRL 20133 in Atlanta, Edmond Manning, Josephine Myles, Clare London and I have decided to have another Cockwalk event at GRL 2014 in Chicago. We’re making some stuff, but we’d love to have some artwork from anyone who wants to donate. At the event, all artwork is raffled off, and the proceeds given to charity (we haven’t picked one yet, I’ll post when we do).

More details will be available soon . . . ish. For now, enjoy the pattern:

Crochet Penis and Scrotum Pattern

There are basically two patterns in one, here. There’s the “easy” one (resulting in a less realistic-looking set of genitalia—but how realistic can yarn penises get?), and the “difficult” one. The problem with the difficult one is not only that it’s a little difficult to do, but I’m afraid the pattern is hard to follow. If it is, look for updates, or leave me comments about it and I’ll see if we can work it out…

With this pattern, I sort of assume you’re comfortable cheating on directions when it makes sense to you to do so. If you are one of those people who needs to follow directions precisely every step of the way, you might want to follow the “easy” pattern.

Materials

-Yarn (any yarn will do, but as a general rule I’d plan on a minimum of one large or two small balls of yarn so you don’t run out—of course, you can always make the shaft shorter, although I don’t imagine that will be a popular option).

-Crochet hook about two sizes smaller (or smaller if you crochet loosely) than recommended for the yarn you’ve chosen.

-A yarn needle big enough to thread your yarn through, but not too big to push through your stitches.

Gauge

It’s really not important. You just want the stitches tight enough that the stuffing doesn’t peek through (much), or fall out.

Special Stitch Guide:

I’m assuming you know the basics, like single crochet (sc), double crochet (dc) and slip stitch (sl st).

flosc—front loop only single crochet: crocheting in only the front loop (closest to you), but in this case it will be on the inside of the shaft.

sc2tog—single crochet 2 stitches together: insert hook in next stitch, yo, insert in next stitch, yo, yo and pull through all the loops on the hook. Also known as “decreasing.” See a video tutorial on decreasing single crochet here: http://crochet.about.com/library/bl_decrease.htm

sc4tog—single crochet 4 stitches together, as above in “sc2 tog”

sc5tog—single crochet 5 stitches together, as above in “sc2 tog”.

Scrotum

The testicles are crocheted separately, then joined together to make the scrotum. Once you have the basic idea of how they are constructed, I’d encourage you to mess around. Remember, real testicles are rarely symmetrical, so why should yarn testicles be perfect little balls? Just remember to keep the opening where they’re crocheted together the same number of rows in height. I made it sixteen for these, but you can make it as many as you want.

Testicle One:

Rd 1—ch 2, 8sc in second chain from the hook, join to 1st sc. (8 sc)

Rd 2—ch 1, 2sc in each sc around, join (16 sc)

Rd 3—ch 1, (1sc in next 2 sc, 2sc in next sc) around (you’ll finish mid-repeat), join. (21 sc)

Rd 4—ch 1, 2sc in 1st sc, 1 sc in next ten sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in remaining sc, join. (23 sc)

Rd 5—ch 1, turn. Working in opposite direction, (1sc in next 2sc, 2 sc in next) 7 times. 1 sc in last two. (30 sc)

Rd 6—ch 1, turn. 2 sc in 1st sc, 1 sc in next 13 sc, 2 sc in next two sc, 1 sc in next 13 sc, 2 sc in last (34 sc)

Rds 7,8 & 9—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (34)

Rd 10—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in first sc (sc2tog, 1 sc in next 6) four times. 1 sc in next 7 sc. (30 sc)

Rd 11—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (30 sc)

Rd 12—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next four sc, sc2tog) five times. (25 sc)

Rd 13—repeat round 11. (25 sc)

Rd 14—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next three sc, sc2tog in next) five times. (20 sc)

Rd 15—repeat round 11. (20 sc)

Rd 16—ch 1, turn. (1sc in next three, sc2tog) around. (16 sc)

Rd 17—repeat round 11. (16 sc)

Rd 18—ch 1 turn. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next two sc) around. (12 sc)

Rds 19 & 20—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (12 sc)

Fasten off.

Testicle Two

Rd 1—ch 2, 8sc in second chain from the hook, join to 1st sc. (8 sc)

Rd 2—ch 1, (2 sc in next three sc, 1 sc in next sc) twice. Join. (14 sc)

Rd 3—ch 1, (1 sc in first sc, 2 sc in next sc) seven times. Join. (21 sc)

Rd 4—ch 1, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next ten sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next nine sc. (23 sc)

Rd 5—ch 1, turn. Working in opposite direction, 1 sc in first sc, (2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next six sc) three times. 2 sc in last sc. (27 sc)

Rd 6—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (27 sc)

Rd 7—ch 1, turn. 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next twelve sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next nine sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in last three sc. (30 sc)

Rd 8—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next 9 sc, 2 sc in next) three times. (33 sc)

Rds 9, 10 11 & 12—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (33 sc)

Rd 13—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next nine sc, sc2tog) three times. (30 sc)

Rd 14—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (30 sc)

Rd 15—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next 4 sc, sc2tog) five times. (25 sc)

Rd 16—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (25 sc)

Rd 17—ch 1, turn. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next three sc) five times. (20 sc)

Rd 18—repeat round 16. (20 sc)

Rd 19—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next two, sc2tog) five times. (15 sc)

Rd 20—repeat row 16. (15 sc)

Don’t fasten off, place last loop in stitch holder.

To join testicles:

Turn testicle 1 inside out and place testicle 2 inside it so that rounds 5-20 of each testicle line up. (See image) Using hook one size smaller than you used to crochet them with (e.g., I used an “F” hook to crochet the testicles, so here I switched to an “E” hook), slip stitch the testicles together along the edges of the rounds, beginning with where you left off on testicle two, around to other side. Leave top open, and again place holder, don’t fasten off. (Check out the images with the red testicles and yellow-green slip stitches for visual help.)

Turn testicles inside out, and they should make a scrotum-shaped bag. The place where you joined them is referred to as the scrotal seam in the next step of the pattern.

Ta-dah! You have a scrotum!

(See gray yarn pic for how they look when joined and stuffed.)

The Faux-taint. (A.K.A the anatomically ambiguous part)

(Since male anatomy doesn’t actually join the front and back of the scrotum to the penis, we have a part here that represents where the man would be joined to his genitalia. I don’t have a word for it, but one pattern I found called it the “taint.” It’s not the taint. I find that annoying. Regardless, here you go.)

Beginning where you finished crocheting the testicles together (this is now the “underside” of the penis, or the frenulum side), you’re going to sc2tog, joining one sc from one side of the scrotal seam to one sc on the other (see pictures of red scrotum with green/yellow yarn). This sc2tog is now the “frenulum stitch” and you’re going to use it as a guide. Proceed with 1 sc in each sc around opening, until the next scrotal seam, where you’ll sc2tog the same way (one from one side, one from the other). Continue with 1 sc in each sc until you reach your first sc2tog. Don’t join—from here you’ll be crocheting in the round. Count your stitches so you know how many you have.

You want to end up with 25 sc to make the shaft an appropriate girth (or an inappropriate girth, or possibly a desirable size? Something like that) If you have to reduce stitches to get 25, take a couple of rounds to sc2tog in front and back as needed (above scrotal seam). If you need to increase, I put it on the front seam, but it’s less critical for the eventual shape so do what works.

Once you have the correct number of stitches, you’re going to begin the anatomically ambiguous part, A.K.A. the faux-taint. Choose from the methods below.

“Easy” version:

In this version you essentially do nothing extra, just start crocheting the shaft of the penis in the round (no more ch 1 joins, just crochet in a spiral, placing marker—PM—at the first stitch of each round, keeping it centered above the scrotal seam on the frenulum side if it helps you). If you choose this method, skip below to “Stuffing Your Scrote.” The advantage to this method is that you don’t have to do anything funky to make the faux-taint. The disadvantage is that your penis will rise straight out of your scrotum in a seriously anatomically incorrect way (as opposed to the more mildly anatomically incorrect way I give you below). I personally like verisimilitude, so I’m not a fan of this method, but go for it if you have already accepted that a crocheted penis can only be so realistic, unlike me.

“Difficult” version:

By following this method, you’ll end up with a bend in your shaft that looks like the one in the green variegated penis and scrotum pictured. It looks a bit odd, but if you hate crocheting into slip stitches, this is the way to go. If you don’t mind crocheting into slip stitches, follow the note at the end of this section.

Begin by fastening off and rejoining your yarn into the fifth sc from the frenulum side.

Row 1—1 sc in next 16 sc

Row 2—turn (no ch 1). Beginning in second sc from hook, 1 sc in next 13 sc, then sl st into 14th sc.

Repeat row two, reducing each row by two sc, until you are left with a row of four sc.

Fasten off

Join yarn in sc centered above frenulum stitch.

Note: Alternate difficult version—Instead of fastening off and rejoining, in row 1, sl st into 1st four sc, then follow above from row 2. When you’re done, sl st to frenulum stitch and continue below.

Stuffing Your Scrota:

If you don’t stuff your scrotum now, you’ll end up trying to stuff it through the penis at the end. I recommend using polyester fiberfill, and packing it in until you have it as tight as you want. I’ve tried flour (inside a balloon), rice and flax seed. None of them really work by themselves, but you can stuff with a mixture of fiberfill and rice and get a nice, heavy set of testicles. I suppose you could use them as a paperweight. (See a stuffed scrota above, the gray picture with my hand in it.)

Shaft:

This part’s easy. Just note you’re crocheting in the round, and if you want to keep track of the first stitch of each round, use a stitch marker. You don’t really need to, though, and you want to end up with the marker centered over the frenulum stitch from below. For some reason (probably having to do with math) the first stitch of each round seems to migrate. I don’t bother to mark it, and when I get to a desirable length (remember, your desires may not match those of other people) I estimate the location of the frenulum stitch.

Rd 1—1 sc in each sc around. (25 sc)

Repeat round 1 until you have the length you want (or need)—but remember, you’re crocheting a head on top of this.

Important——> Stuff your shaft with fiberfill as you go.

Note: You can put bends in your penis shaft by slip stitching in some sc. Stack your sl sts on top of each other (but only on one side of the shaft, or you’ll just have a short section) for a few rounds to get a bend. E.g., crochet four rounds as 5 sc, 10 sl st, 10 sc and you’ll get a bend. The shaft will bend toward the sl st side.

Head:

Place a marker in your frenulum stitch. This will be the beginning of your rounds from here on.

Again, with the easy and the difficult. You can basically decide at some point you want a head and do the following:

“Easy” version:

I find this method to be highly unrealistic. OTOH, it’s not like this thing is functional…

Rd 1—3 sc in each sc around. (75 sc)

Rd 2—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next sc) twenty-five times. (50 sc)

Rd 3—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 3 sc) ten times. (40 sc)

Rd 4—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 2 sc) ten times. (30 sc)

Rd 5—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 4 sc) five times. (25 sc)

Rd 6—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 3 sc) five times. (20 sc)

Rd 7—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 2 sc) five times. (15 sc)

Rd 8—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next sc) five times. (10 sc)

This is a good place to stop and stuff in some more bits of fiberfill.

Rd 9—sc2tog five times. (5 sc)

Rd 10—sc5tog.

More fiberfill.

Fasten off.

Weave in ends.

Then there’s the more difficult version, which tends to look more real. Did I mention I like realism?

“Difficult” version:

Rd 1—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next nine sc. 2 flosc in next six sc. 1 sc in next nine sc. Join to first sc. (19 sc, 12 flosc)

Rd 2—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next six sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (1 sc in next sc, sc2tog)

four times. 2 flosc in next three sc. 1 sc in next six sc. (21 sc, 12 flosc)

Rd 3—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next three sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (sc2tog, 1sc in next) twice. 1 sc in next 8 sc. (sc2tog, 1sc in next) twice. 2 flosc in next three sc. 1 sc in next three. Join to first sc. (23 sc, 6 flosc)

Rd 4—1 sc in first sc. 2 flosc in next three. (1 sc in next, sc2tog) twice. 1 sc in next sixteen sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (25 sc, 6 flosc)

Rd 5—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next) twice. 1 sc in next twenty four sc. (1 sc in next sc, sc2tog) twice. (33 sc).

Rd 6—ch 2, 1dc in 1st sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next four sc) five times. Sc2tog. Join to dc. (1 dc, 26 sc)

Rd 7—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next three sc) four times. sc2tog, 1 sc in next two, sc2tog. Join to first sc. (21 sc)

Rd 8—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next two sc) three times. 1 sc in next four, sc tog. Join to first sc. (16 sc)

Rd 9—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next two) four times. Join to first sc. (12 sc)

Rd 10—(1 sc in next sc, sc2tog) four times. Join to first sc. (8 sc)

This is a good place to stop and stuff in some more bits of fiberfill.

Rd 11—sc2tog four times. (4 sc) Rd 12—sc4 tog.

More fiberfill.

Fasten off.

Corona:

Join yarn to top of penis head, and crochet on the outside of the penis. Do this by inserting a hook under a stitch, yo, pull up loop, yo and pull through all loops on hook, then move one row below. Work down one side of the frenulum until you meet the back loops left exposed from the front loop only sc in rounds 1-4 of the “difficult” version. (See them in the picture above—the back loops are the line that run perpendicular to the stichetes, below the green yarn.) Inserting your hook under these loops, work two sc into each, working around the head back to the frenulum (see picture below—gray penis with greenish yarn corona partially worked). Work vertically up to the top of the head. Fasten off.

Finishing:

Weave in all ends, tighten hole in top (after topping up with stuffing) and work in that end.

Ta-dah! You have male yarn genitalia!